"At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success."
- Michael Law.
Treating Mistakes As They Deserve To Be Treated
Mistakes are an inevitable part of being human that certainly do not receive the treatment they deserve. One way or the other, we have been groomed from our formative years to strive for perfection, and anything short of that is deemed unforgivable. This is why perfectionism is seen as a virtue in our achievement-driven society; from striving for flawless grades, to pursuing impeccable careers. The allure of perfectionism can be captivating. It is easy to see why many of us wear perfectionism as a badge of honour
The Difference between Excellence and Perfectionism
Giving perfectionism a positive connotation can hide deeply seated issues. It is important to understand that there is a thin line separating the pursuit of excellence and perfectionism. Where the former is a sign of dedication and persistence, the latter comes from a place of deficit.
In the pursuit of excellence, one acquires meticulousness – to be thorough and detailed still accommodating of mistakes. Therefore, one does not hold themselves to inhumane standards of being afraid of mistakes. There’s always room for failure.
Perfectionism on the other hand derives from a fear of not being good enough. One’s entire self-worth is tied to perfection. This means that there is little or no room for mistakes and by extension, there is no tolerance for humanness. Admittedly, every perfectionist is meticulous, this could be the reason why a lot of ambitious individuals, call themselves perfectionists.
Perfectionists and Imperfection
When a perfectionist fails or makes a mistake they begin to question their sense of self;
‘Am I a failure?’,
‘What is the point of trying, I give up!’
‘I will never try again!’
The Perfectionist is always trying to prove a point because deep down there’s a feeling of not being good enough and unless it is perfect, it is not worth doing. This is why a lot of perfectionists procrastinate, waiting for the perfect time to attend to tasks. They are exceedingly sensitive to criticism and even when they achieve success, they do not experience the delight of accomplishment. Instead, they experience relief that this time, they did not fail. They convince themselves that the only way they are loved and accepted is through perfection. The perfectionist is also prone to High – functioning anxiety, risks of burnout, and clinical depression.
Perfection is an Illusion
Even though we are inwardly aware that perfection is an illusion, many of us strive to attain it. We project perfect marriages, perfect homes, and perfect jobs, amongst other things. The question then is; why do we chase this illusion of perfection?
Letting go of Perfectionism
Beneath perfectionism is an underlying battle for self-esteem. During the perfectionist’s formative years, when their core memories were formed, the perfectionist likely received messages of conditional acceptance. ‘I will love you if… .’ The demand for academic or behavioural perfection creates a wounded self–image in a child. They start to nurture intrusive thoughts such as ‘I only deserve love and acceptance when I don’t make mistakes.’ This pressure to perform will then create Cognitive Distortions (which are lies our brain sends to our conscious mind) in which the perfectionist is only able to love themself when they don’t make mistakes.
Are you a perfectionist?
The perfectionist’s mind will likely only focus on the negative and ignore the positive whenever a misstep occurs. They develop an all-or-nothing mindset, whereby one negative event can trigger a box full of negative experiences causing them to believe that they are not good in all aspects of their lives. These intrusive thoughts generated in the young mind will linger for the rest of their lives until they are recognised and well-addressed.
Acceptance
Recognising the thought patterns of perfectionism is the first step to healing. Tied closely to this recognition is acceptance. Develop the ability to look within you, recognise these distortive thoughts and accept them for what they are; an intrusion and not the truth
Recovery
Recognising the thought patterns of perfectionism is the first step to healing. Tied closely to this recognition is acceptance. Develop the ability to look within you, recognise these distortive thoughts and accept them for what they are; an intrusion and not the truth.
Journaling
One can begin by exploring journaling to deeply understand the distortive thought patterns of perfectionism. Cognitive Behavioural Experts also recommend Inner child work as a highly effective way to overcome perfectionism. Reading self-help books and listening to podcasts on perfectionism can equip you with tools to minimise perfectionism.
One should desist from labeling oneself as a perfectionist. You are human and prone to mistakes and failures. Learn to embrace love and embrace yourself despite your imperfections.
Meet our guest writer, Rabi’a Aneesa Idrees! She is a compassionate and experienced Psychologist with extensive training in various areas. She owns a private practice, Sane Clinic Mind Wellness, providing personalized treatments for individuals, including therapy and counseling. Specializing in working with children, adolescents, and women, she helps navigate challenges like anxiety, depression, and trauma.
Rabi'a Aneesa Idrees
Meet our guest writer, Rabi’a Aneesa Idrees! She is a compassionate and experienced Psychologist with extensive training in various areas. She owns a private practice, Sane Clinic Mind Wellness, providing personalized treatments for individuals, including therapy and counseling. Specializing in working with children, adolescents, and women, she helps navigate challenges like anxiety, depression, and trauma.
